"funemployment" (and anxiety)
the truth behind achieving my dreams
Content warning: This post mentions job loss, anxiety and panic attacks.
Dear reader,
It was a Monday morning when I woke up to see a surprise meeting show up on my work calendar, and for the one hour I had before the meeting started, I didn’t have time to process my sadness or shock. The first thing I did was laugh.
I had just turned my coffee machine on, put on some Chappell Roan, then immediately had to drop everything—trying to recall every major project I worked on in the last three years. I knew I was getting laid off, and having your life fall apart while Good Luck, Babe! blasts in your airpods is quite the experience.
If you don’t know, designers can’t apply to jobs without a portfolio. So I went into auto-pilot, saving as much as I could before my laptop got shut off, and I boarded up my emotions for what was sure to be an awkward meeting.
I finished making my coffee, went into the HR call, listened quietly, and as soon as the meeting was over, I sent Slack messages to a few of my creative directors who’d been my closest mentors. Then I closed my computer and felt a rush of emptiness and relief, at the same time.
I was now a full-time writer. It was everything I’d wanted since I was seven years old. But it didn’t happen on my terms. So, what now?
pathetic fallacy irl
At the start of June, my anxiety—which had persisted for the last year—suddenly spiked and I had to go back to my parents’ house. I’ll save the details. TL;DR: I spent the month in and out of doctors’ appointments, getting treated for panic attacks. I also adopted a cat which has installed some extra routine into my life.
Towards the end of the month and into July, I began feeling more like myself again. I’d found a good mental balance between my job, writing, content and my social life. I was hitting my stride in my new book. Things were looking up. Until they weren’t.
The day after I got laid off, there was a rainstorm that caused serious flooding in and around the city. (I know, what an ominous turn of events. It feels like a soap opera.) It affected my parents’ house badly, destroying our basement. We’re currently without hot water and AC. So that’s fun. Basically, it was a hell of a week, and the trouble is far from over.
Despite all this stress, I’m thankful for the little things, and the privileges that I still have. That I can afford to take a brief pause from working, that I have a roof over my head and a supportive family, has kept me afloat both literally and emotionally. I’m very grateful for that, even if the landscape of my life has shifted drastically.
and so we beat on, boats against capitalism or whatever
I joked to Lynn and Kelley, as I was getting laid off, that all of this is divine retribution for writing LOCAL HEAVENS, which is—for better or worse—my strange cyberpunk dissertation on tech, class and capitalism.
I write other things, other genres—but somehow, I always find myself going back to these gritty, dreamscape worlds that straddle beauty and chaos through technology. I am enamoured by speculative futures as much as they disturb me. Perhaps that intersection is what always makes writing feel interesting to me, but above all, necessary.
I know that working in corporate wasn’t my “dream” job, but on an average day, it didn’t make me un-happy. On the best of days, I felt fulfilled. I worked with some of the smartest, most talented people ever. I got to contribute to so many interesting projects for well-known brands. I learned so much, I grew as a person and as a designer, it enabled me to keep writing on the side, and most of all, I took my work seriously.
That’s why it’s devastating that, through no fault of your own, it is totally and completely normal to have your financial security capsize overnight. Our lives are always going to be caught up in an intricate web of market conditions and business decisions we cannot see but govern us nonetheless. In the midst of this, I was reminded why I wrote LH in the first place. I’m choosing to believe that blessings in disguise are real.
This time last year, I had been querying LH, thinking I’d written the most un-publishable book ever. Then in late July 2023, out of nowhere and after weeks of silence, I started receiving interest and signed with an agent who was willing to embark on a creative journey with me. I’ve learned since then that even when the tunnel is at its darkest, it always lets out somewhere.
When one door closes, as they say, a window opens—and despite everything, I can only hope that the world awaiting me beyond that window is the next, better chapter of my life.
Okay enough depressing stuff. Announcements:
In case you missed it, I launched a ko-fi page where I’ll be posting some bonus content, bts of my writing, beta reading slots and more. It’s open for both one-time donations or monthly memberships.
My cyberpunk short story, published in Augur 6.1, SWAY WITH ME UNTIL WE BLEED, is now FREE to read. For my highest tier ko-fi members, I’ll be sharing a deep dive into how I conceptualized, outlined and planned that story as well as some insight into my first draft.
I commissioned LOCAL HEAVENS art — I’ll be sharing it with ko-fi members first, very soon!!
More news to come! Watch this space 🫡
Thanks for reading & a huge huge huge thank you to everyone who’s already supported me on ko-fi, as well as on youtube. It means a lot :)
-Kris
All the very best, Kris!❤️
Sending hugs Kris. I know it’s a shite time right now but remember this is just a chapter, not the whole book ❤️